Christmas with empty arms but a full heart

As the holidays have been in full swing so have my emotions. I knew this would be hard on us, I knew it but I can't explain the emtoions. Christmas 2015 we knew we'd have an addition to our family and now all we have is a memory. For every way I envisioned Christmas going this year I was wrong. I thought we'd have a child with us, then learned of Aurora's diagnosis and prepared myself knowing we'd probably be in the hospital during Christmas; and just as life always is so unfair, I quickly learned how wrong I was and I hate it. Now it's just us, no Aurora, no baby's first Christmas, no with Santa pictures, no Christmas family photo, not even a sick baby in the hospital we have none of that. I feel for the families who are in the hospital with their children and know by any means its not easy or desired but im simply just saying I would want it if it meant I had Aurora. However I can't be doom and gloom and Hate the holidays away because what I do have is memories of my daughter, and beautiful photos and videos that captured her peace. I have wonderful supporting family and friends, I've received so many special keepsakes for our Aurora to help include her this Christmas. I have an amazing husband who has been here through every question I've had , every tear I've cried, every time I said "a hug, just give me a hug" he's been there delivering them with love. As bad as I hurt I know Justin is hurting just as bad but to have a spouse, a partner, a father to our daughter as strong as him is such a blessing. Through the days where I lash out over simple things or just cry non stop and there's no consoling me, Justin has been there. The other most important thing I have is love in my heart and God as my savior without God I'd have no love, I would only carry bitterness and anger inside towards everything. So when there are a million reasons I could scream and cry that this life isn't fair and I've been robbed of my child, I simply refuse to turn into a bitter angry person and slip into a hate filled outlook on life. Instead I'm striving to be just as I would if Aurora was here physically. I want to love unconditionally I want to see the blessings we do have, and I want to learn to live life with joy even after her passing. If Aurora is looking down on us I want her to be proud of her parents and know we include her in everything we do. I want God to use me in a way that's pleasing to him and helpful to others in any way. So to our family and friends we wish you a Merry Christmas and thank you for helping us through the holidays with kind words, cards, and gifts to remember our daughter! 

               -Tealah and Justin 

**If you have been directed to this blog to read about Aurora's journey you can read her peaceful day under "aurora the miracle butterfly'

Aurora the miracle butterfly ***AURORA'S DAY***

As it pains me to deliver the sad news through a blog to our friends and family I must update everyone. You guys gave been so encouraging and uplifiting, the constant prayers for our family and Aurora were special to us and we will never be able to thank you enough.
Aurora was delivered October 13th at 7:52 am weighing in at 6 lbs and 1oz. She was 18.5 inches long. She was beautiful and came out crying just as we wanted to hear. As they laid her upon my chest, justin had her with his hands holding her there.  We were able to spend her first minutes of life bonding and consoling her as she cried I spoke softly and said "hi aurora it's mommy, it's okay baby, you are okay" her cries turned to a whimper and then silence. So calming for a mother but also frightened me so I quit speaking and the cries began again. So I knew I had given her the comfort she needed and she really was okay. Few seconds later they had to take her to the Nicu and allowed Justin to follow. Justin stood by his daughter and watched the ivs be placed, monitor her heart, and begin intubating her, I'm so glad he could be with her for that.
Justin was able to deliver the good news that she came out crying and they had begun their work in the Nicu preparing her for the procedure. The cardiologist gave Justin and I an update and said Aurora was critical and there was no flow between her upper chambers so she had a fully intact atrial septum as seen on my echos previosuly. They said although she's critical she's fighting so we will give her every opportunity and we will proceed and attempt to clear the blockage.
Hours passed as we rested best we could in recovery. (We were told early on no news is good news, means they are trying) Justin got the call to go meet with cardiology downstairs as they discussed their findings. Sadly as Aurora laid in sight he was told the procedure was not successful for many reasons. They had attempted to clear the blockage but every time with it not working and seeing every other issue she had they chose to speak with us and allow us to have Aurora as she passed.  She was only receiving a trickle of blood flow into her lungs and they were very undeveloped and sick so as they felt the best for her and us was to allow us to have time with her.
As the news broke to us and our families we all broke down and tried to get our cries out before justin and I had Aurora with us. We Had to be strong and send her good vibes and positivity with her last moments here. I can't fully put into words what the next hours were like for us but rather than the best way to describe it as PEACE.
Aurora was handed to us and she had all ivs and breathing tubes removed so we could bond and speak to her.  It was pleasant to capture and focus on every feature her blonde hair just like justin, blue eyes like her dad and cute button nose.. We caressed her face, hands and all over while gently we both spoke (just as we did when she was in the womb) we told her how beautiful she was and mommy and daddy were there with her to bring her comfort. We spoke and spoke and coddled her, played her a song she had heard many times in the womb and tried to make it all normal and peaceful for her. It wasn't to hard actually; Aurora had so much peace about her. It was her face was the most precious with a calm peaceful expression. She wasn't mad, in pain, or upset she had us to make her all the promises in the world and thank her for being so perfect and everything mommy and daddy had ever wanted or needed. We promised her we would never forget her and she'd be a part of everything we do. We asked her to watch over us and keep us strong as she is now with God and some of our closest family members.   She gave us 38 weeks and 3 days inside of me and 6 hours on the day she was born. She was and is a miracle. She medically speaking shouldn't have been with us surviving the pregnancy but she had fight in her brought her to the big day and she was able to be here just long enough to give us what we needed so badly.  Her life was no mistake. We prayed and prayed for her healing as well did so many friends, family, church families, complete strangers in different states. Healing services and prayer cloths sent to her from all around and we all had the same request for God to heal our baby Aurora. As much as we wanted it to be the ultimate healing and to have Aurora here in our arms now we weren't given that but what we did get was the best thing we needed. Auroras life may have been short and she was a little girl but her soul and spirit along with her journey are huge. Her journey has reach so many people and they opened their hearts to her and prayed for a baby they never met she was so strong and so loved. I think the peace we had in our hearts about her diagnosis allowed us to remain calm and almost stress free during her pregnancy. We passed those good vibes onto Aurora and she was born into a life of positivity where the whole team here at the hospital was ready to receive her and have her as their priority to save. She showed she was worth it because even though the doctors said she was critical condition they took a chance and had to try everything they could to save her. She was perfect and I can't strive that enough but her little heart was not designed properly and no medical intervention could have repaired every issue she had so we all adapted quickly and learned a very valuable lesson yesterday. It's not the length of a life nor the size of the person it's their story and how a tiny human can have such an impact on so many especially her parents. I can promise I wasn't this strong in my faith before Aurora I failed God daily I questioned things I shouldn't and constantly had doubt. Justin had a different relationship and outlook with his faith as well due to things in his past. When we learned of Auroras condition we never doubted her strength and her importance and we chose as her parents to never give up on her. No abortion, no giving up and accepting she wouldn't live. Instead, we turned to God and we have grown so much in our faith and really listening to the Lord and his promises. As I had no doubt he would or could heal our baby girl, we stayed head strong for the next 18 weeks carrying her and knew she was ours and God had us all in his arms. We didn't know his plan exactly but knew we weren't alone and knew Aurora wasn't alone. I never knew I could love another as I do her even in the womb I loved her so much. I pictured her tumbling around and enjoyed every squirm inside and loved when she showed off her moves for Justin when he spoke to her. So when she was placed upon my chest and crying I was in a whole new love. There are memories made that day that can never be taken from us. I saw the look upon Justins face the second he laid eyes on Aurora and he had the look of pure love. I've never seen that look before almost the same look when I Walked down the Isle at our wedding but so pure for his daughter, I'll cherish that moment and as I watched him take Aurora and rock her here in the room nobody told him to nobody said anything to him he felt in his heart he had to rock his daughter. He was such a natural such a good daddy the look he gave her and how gentle he was , ahh what a memory. Aurora had so much peace on her face as she laid in our arms with us, just us 3 bonding spending her last moments together she had a small Suttle smile with nothing but peace. These are the things we will cherish forever these are the things Aurora was able to give us in her short time. She has changed our lives, our hearts, and allowed us to learn a new love and appreciation for life and one another. We now will uphold her name include her in our family,she will be a part of our holidays without any hesitation, she will live as a memory and we will never forget her in any way. What Aurora gave us is clear, it's peace we are strong and changed because of her so when people ask me about her I may cry quite possibly as we'd give anything to have her with us right now but I won't, we won't ever hesitate to speak openly about her. Her life her journey is a miracle in itself and it's a grand one. She had purpose and if I explain our child in any words you will always hear me say peace. She had a perfect soul and I hope all of our friends family and others who may ask or are concerned about Aurora I hope you can speak highly of her for us and tell just how special and strong she was. She will continue to spread peace, love and joy to us and to anyone who asks me about where our child is, they will be listening to all these things. Don't be afraid to share her life that's all we ask I encourage it for she had a grand purpose and as you will see in the photos Im going to share she was a very peaceful baby!
As we continue to grieve we will have our ups and downs that's normal but day by day we hope to grow stronger and love deeper. We ask our family and friends to pray for our family and send peace and comfort our way as its needed! We can't say how truly grateful we are for every single share of her story,every prayer, every single person who shared their story with us and encouraged us sent us special gifts. We feel deeply moved and loved by everyone! Thank you so much with lots of love from the Lovett Family we appreciate each and every person
In loving memory of our daughter Aurora Rain Lovett as she will fly with the butterflies continuing to spread peace and love!!!

       Justin, Tealah, and Baby Aurora

Tomorrow is the Big Day

It feels surreal that the day has already come where Aurora will be born. I can remember the moment I read the positive pregnancy test to Justin. I handed the test to him shaking my head yes while crying and his voice began to shake he stood up and said "what, what is it?" "Is it positve?" As I continued to cry and just nod my head yes justin looked at the test and broke down. He grabbed me so tight and we just hugged and cried together so many happy tears. Oh what an awesome night that was!! I could relive this moment over and over and I do all the time.  

So as tomorrow approaches all we know is the best plan we have and the hospital has planned to help little miss aurora get on track. We will not have the normal birthing plan as some families are blessed to have but we are going to be happy our daughter is being born into the most controlled environment as possible with a team ready to receive her.Auroras health is our main concern so we as parents are just sucking it up that we will not have the first precious moments of her life spent in our arms. As selfishly as i want our child to be with us we know that every second/minute is valuable to the team in preparing her catheter procedure so we must accept our birthing plan. We know once we can hold her it will be magical and so worth the wait. We finally get to lay eyes upon the child ive been carrying for 38 weeks. We will hear her cry, see her precious face and finally see who she looks like what color her eyes and hair will be.
At 7:30 am we have our c section and we will not get to hold her nor have Justin cut the cord but we do know we can briefly see her before she's taken to the Nicu where they will be intubating her and getting the ivs started with medicine. They will look at her heart and then be sending her onto the cath lab where the cardiologists will begin their critical procedure. We more than likely will not get an update for the next couple of hours I'm sure we will hear something but beggining to end we are planning on "no news is good news" and the team will let us know when procedure is complete a couple hours later.
Our families will be there patiently waiting as I recover and as Aurora is being cared for. We have some awesome nurses and a care team who will be present helping keep our family in the loop and helping guide justin to where he can go to see aurora first possible chance.
I know we are in good hands here and have felt The care and compassion from everyone we have met here. Auroras condition has been spoken about at every meeting among the top staff and they are anticipating her arrival and are ready.
This past week I've had justin here with me to relax, relax and relax some more and it's been great. I'm sure it's going to hit me tomorrow as I'm being prepped for surgery and my anxiety will flare up but for now we are remaining calm and at peace.
I'm nervous but not scared, I know God is watching over us and he will be there tomorrow with everyone as we go through some tense moments and waiting to hear the word.
What I pray:
Auroras condition is better than predicted
God leads the hands of the cardiologists and doctors/nurses as they operate and prepare Aurora
We remain at peace and stay calm throughout it all
God's presence is with us all (staff,families)
We hear our daughter cry and she shows just how strong she is.

We ask you lift our family in prayer! Pray for little Aurora that she comes out fighting and she's healthier than they assume. Pray for this new mama and daddy to be we keep calm and are able to enjoy every second we see of our baby girl. She is our miracle after all. I will start aurora her own page shortly on Facebook but will have Justin or my mother in law make an announcement sometime tomorrow about Aurora on my personal page. I know so many have asked and sent many words of encouragement and truly care for her well being so we definitely want to update you!

We have a date set... The Countdown begins

A lot has been going on in the past week or so. As some may have read on Facebook our storage unit in Mississippi got burglarized last week and really threw a wrench into our plans as we had planned to fly to Florida on Saturday but after getting the call on Tuesday about our things we found a rental and high tailed. That was a really long and rough trip and obviously it took more of a toll on me than I thought.
Fast forward and we are finally in Florida going to our routine (we've learned they are never just "routine") appointments and what was just a check up ended with me in labor and delivery for possible ruptured membranes/leaking amniotic fluid. Auroras amniotic  fluid had went from 27 to 4cm. (One extreme to the other extreme ones to high and the other is scary low)
All tests in L&D were negative for any leaking so I was sent home to drink plenty of fluids and recheck. Later appointment she went up to a decent 8cm.
Other than her fluid being a cause of concern and them keeping a close check on that our baby girl seems to be doing great in every other aspect except heart of course. They used the belly bands on me to listen to aurora's heartbeat and track her movements to look for any fetal destress and it all comes back as she looks fine. Everything else looks to be good: kidneys,bladder,liver,brain blood flow, and little Aurora is practicing breathing. It's so nice to hear the good things because I think we could always hear she's not doing well in any other area.

We met with the cardiologist who will be performing Auroras catheter procedure right after birth. Speaking to him gave us a peace and calmness just understanding exactly what they will be doing to save our precious baby. Is it scary? Most certainly it is. Are there huge risks? With every procedure there are risks but this is super risky. Her tiny heart and the blockage they will be trying to poke through and remove is so small it's millimeters they have to succeed or fail. We pray God gives these doctors a steady hand and all goes perfectly.
Of course we heard every risk and we fully understand and made it clear we will choose to try. we can't allow her to come into this world and not give her a chance she's been beating all the odds this far. Aurora has a very complex case and some hospitals would refuse to even intervene because according to statistics and other textbook literature the children seen with all the issues she has simply don't survive. One huge concern is when the catheter procedure is a successful one that her lungs will be badly damaged and under developed and she will not be able to breathe on her own and in turn her body will shut down. Of course we ask "can't you fix those as well?" While it's not a silly question at all they simply explained that there's no helping lungs that never developed properly or ones that have been taking a beating from blood forcefully pushing back into them with her blockage in her heart. The doctors here have sent Auroras images to two top leading hospitals in pediatric cardiology to hear from them and confirm best plan of Action for aurora's complex case.
The doctors have set my c section date.
October 13th our little precious girl will be entering this world and our next journey begins. Excitedly we are going to be parents and can't wait and on the other hand anxiety will be high we will have a very sick girl on our hands and will have to hand her off after getting a brief visit (30 seconds or so)
An entire team  or teams will be prepared and ready that morning to have Aurora as their priority.. we will deliver in the room connected to the Nicu and they will immediately intubate her and begin Ivs. They will be evaluating her to be sure she's not deteriorating to quickly and will be able to withstand the next phase, her catheter procedure.
We whole heartedly believe our strong little girl is going to come out with just as much strength as she has in womb and will be showing she has purpose.

We ask for these prayers that Aurora is not as bad off as they assume and God will heal our precious girl. Prayers for us to keep us head strong during our journey. Pray little Miss decides to stay put until her planned day of october 13th where she'll have the best team ready!
We have yet to discuss a Plan B with doctors and nurses when they want to know well what if something happens, what if she dosent make it, what do you want. We only have Plan A! Our 'Plan Aurora' consists of her being okay and God will be with us and everyone to get her better. Some may think it's silly not to have a back up and some support our decision and understand if we make or assume we will need a plan B well that's not trusting God and knowing his almighty powers and his ability to make this better. We know how many have shared Auroras story and how many people are praying for her and our family and we also know God is hearing every prayer. No matter what We trust God,he is leading us through this journey and we've been thrown every curve ball and told every doom and gloom possible but we must remain positve and trusting in our faith!!
Thank you all so much for every prayer,concern and kind word sent our way. From the bottom of our hearts we thank you!
Much love from tealah, justin and aurora

Aurora's latest doctors appointments 8/28

I know everyone wants to know any new news or updates we have on Aurora so I try to keep everyone informed just using these blogs. Now the blogs aren't the easiest to write and somethings are hard to explain in them because sometimes we need to see drawings of a normal heart and then see a picture of our baby girls heart to understand how it works and how hers is performing.
So last week I went to my doctors appointments finally after having to reschedule and cancel due to not having insurance and getting 0 help from one specific docotor requiring us to pay upfront. Anyways I finally got them to agree to a reasonable price. Sadly justin had to stay and work in Colorado and was not able to come to these appointments with me so that alone was tough but I had no idea how much I would need him until the first appointment. (We agreed and spoke if I were to get any bad news I'd wait for him to get off work or when he had a moment to sit down and listen to everything)
First appointment with the heart doctor where they do an echo and look at little miss Auroras heart went as about as bad as it could have. If anyone remembers me speaking about a "swinging door" between her upper chambers in her heart you'd remember last time it looked as if the door was still open allowing minimal blood to pass through which may be causing back flow into her lungs. At this appointment we learned that the door looks to be completely shut and there isn't any blood flowing and doctor also stated it looks thick to him as if the tissue has grown together. This is called severely restricted atrial septum and possibly intact. Well what does this mean as the doctor spoke and explained it I couldn't even believe what I was hearing. "In these cases where we have a baby who is facing HLHS, Turner Syndrome, and severly restricted atrial septum life just isn't compatible" he went on to describe why and how Aurora would not be a candidate for her first surgery Norwood because the machine used to keep these babies alive during open heart surgeries causes babies to swell and while she is already swollen or has fluid around her it would most likely be a case of the machine that is designed to keep her alive will sadly kill her.
Now the other step to this she was already looking at having an immadiate heart catherization after birth to open up the blockage between the two upper chambers but now as it looks as if that door has closed and possibly tissues grown together, the doctor also stated trying to do the catheter and get through successfully would be difficult and almost impossible if it's compleltely intact. He said the surgeons would try and try and try until eventually blowing out a vein and causing death if unsuccessful. If it did work this would only be a small step of progress while she'd be facing many more issues. Spoke about a hybrid surgery would be ordered if the catherization worked.
The next option he gave us as he teared up just explaining it was we could choose 'pallative care' we could choose to have every moment with miss aurora for however long that may be to see and feel her alive, with no medical intervention until she passed naturally.
Until hearing those words and seeing the doctor actually get emotional I had remained calm just listening to every word he had spoken waiting for a solution but once he said this and I actually could invision it I of course got upset.
We all did, I am very grateful to have my in laws as they went with me to these appointments and are there to hug, support, or just cry with, and I'm so glad I wasn't alone that day.
I did manage to ask a few other questions but can't even remember what they were but the doctor wanted me to speak to the pallative care team just to hear them and how they could help but that day I refused simply because justin wasn't there. Made our next appointment a month out because he said all we can do is monitor and just see how it goes.
Fast forward 10 minutes later we are now sitting in another doctors office (high risk ob) taking a few pictures of miss aurora but all felt rushed. The doctor comes in tells me she spoke to the heart doctor and wanted to know how I felt and of I had any questions. Well of course I did.. how's aurora other than heart? How is her cystic hygroma? How is her swelling? How is the amniotic fluid looking?
All we heard or all I interpreted was good news. Auroras cystic hygroma is almost gone completely just minimal fluid still extra skin though, her amniotic fluid went from 32 to 27 (normal 8 to 22) and her swelling doesn't look as bad. I said well this is good and the doctor just stated this is normal for fluid levels to decrease as In most turner girls it does before birth.
Well I took it as great news we could have always heard she was doing worse in those areas as well but nope she's improving. The other things spoken about were during there monthly meeting about different cases they see In the hospital and I was told aurora's case came up and they all seemed to have same opinion that with all of her issues she is facing that survival of surgery doesn't seem possible. She concluded to say she wants to have Justin there to discuss how we want to proceed with our care/ auroras care. So in leaving the doctors that day I took it as the ball is In our court just as it was when they offered abortion but we were both present to quickly turn down those options. So our next appointments will be big ones as we plan or try to plan for her arrival.
So Justin had been texting me during the appointments to check in and I just stated honestly that the appointment wasn't all good but not all bad either. Called him later and cried and cried trying to explain most of it but after every bad I had to follow with a positive I couldnt be apart and tell him all this. It's so hard and as he got quiet I knew it was tough hearing it and not being able to comfort one another physically or even read each others expressions. Just a very difficult thing to do is all I can say. I talked to my mother in law asking for advice and just talking about the options we've been given and I'll be honest I didn't know how to feel or react. This entire time, day one when we learned about Aurora having complications my fear was to hand her away alive in hopes of doctors saving her and In turn something going horribly wrong and the next time we see our daughter she wouldn't be alive. I've feared this since day one telling justin I don't know what I'd do if that happened if I handed away the time I would have with her we would have with her just to have it all taken away.
So that night I had the longest conversation with God. I spilled out every fear every dilemma that justin and I now are faced with. I asked him to open my eyes and ears and show me how he wants me to proceed with this, how he wants me to feel about it. I told him I don't know how to feel and I'm scared and I want his will to be done but we don't know his plans for us. Does he plan on aurora living 6 minutes or 60 years? I cant feel one way or another about this if I don't know what God wants so I just left it all to him.
Fast forward again I'm back with Justin late late Thursday night he was already asleep when my flight landed so the next morning we weren't able to discuss alot but quickly over lunch we were able to talk.
However it was just one day after I spoke to God that he opened my eyes and I know with everything In me he spoke to me. I've never felt so much at peace knowing and hearing from God that he's with us.
The little girl who was born august 20th with the same diagnosis as aurora. Her name is vivian and She had the same prognosis but her parents were told their daughter would never take her first breath she had a severly restricted atrial septum and didn't show blood flow between upper chambers. I gave her mom time to post all the wonderful pictures of miss vivian crying and beating the odds, before I could heart to ask how did she do with the catheter and how did the surgery go?  Her reply was my answer I needed. "The doctors were wrong to put simply" they didn't see any flow between vivians upper chambers and had same outlook as aurora her lungs would be underdeveloped and the blood would be pushing back into the lungs causing a slew of problems since the doorway was closed. When little miss V was born what they saw now wasn't the same as they has seen in utero. So she didn't need the catherization.
All I can say is praise God and thank you!! Thank you for saving Vivian and letting her fight through and do exactly what the doctors said she wouldn't be able to.
Thank you God for my answer, it was at that moment I knew how to feel about Aurora. No matter what I hear from doctors no matter how grim it looks for her , God is in control and he can heal her. I can't lose faith just because of what I hear and see with my own eyes I have to trust God and not just when it's easy I have to trust him when it seems impossible.
I can't explain the peace and calmness I was experiencing when learning all this I know God's with us, I've always felt his presence but to get a direct message I can't describe How it makes you feel I only hope that I keep experiencing it!
The same morning I got a call and we were finally approved for insurance. We have been through all the hoops and loops for months on out since we learned Aurora was sick and finally to get that phone call was great! Same day the bill collector called and I was happy to give her the news as well hey you can go ahead and send that bill to the insurance. :-)
We have a long road ahead of us. I'm following baby Vivian and watching her beat the odds and I can only hope and pray Aurora is the same. Her parents are strong and it's sad to see anyone have to watch their helpless child in pain or suffer, but baby Vivian is strong and she will make it to her recovery period and have one heck of a story.
As always we ask for nothing but prayers from our friends and family. We need nothing short of a miracle to have Aurora healed and be able to beat every statistic and bad prediction thrown her way. Our God the one and only Almighty God can heal Aurora he can do anything. I feel guilt when I'm confronted with my deepest fears and I don't immediately know how to react but I do know God is in control of our lives and Auroras and he will see this through. I don't know her path nor ours but knowing he's there and we aren't alone is so comforting. Thank you all again for every concern and prayer sent up for us. We love you!

- tealah, justin, aurora

glimpse at our miracle

So I just had to share with you all the little glimpse into our miracle that we got to see yesterday. We are still in Colorado Springs and are commuting back to Florida for doctors appointments as they come but we decided we wanted to see Aurora outside of the doctors visits. Each visit we are only reminded of her condition and are filled with statistics of survival and to say the least they are never pleasant. However we went to our second 3d/4d baby expressions office where we could just have some time with just Aurora. No doctors pointing out the fluid and issues, no scoping her heart for 30 minutes. We just got to enjoy her!! Her movements her smiles that she insisted on giving us almost the whole time. She looks so comfy and peaceful and the feeling that gives us as her parents is, well its undescrib

Aurora update

 Update on our baby girl :
I write this so family and our friends can be up to date on how baby Aurora is doing and what it is we are facing. I also write because honestly it feels good to write about her. Though it's not the best thing to hear or read she's still our little miracle and we have hope regardless of the doctors prognosis.

So on Sunday we flew into Florida to see our 3 doctors. One is our Obgyn, high risk ob, and heart specialist. First appointment with the heart doctor wasn't bad news but wasn't great news. When looking at her heart he saw everything pretty much looked the same but since she was a month older he could see a little more than last time. Still same diagnosis HLHS where her left ventricle did not form at all and she has only one pump (right) working double time to provide blood/oxygen to the entire body. The upside to that is it looks as if she has a very strong right pump and for now it is doing its job properly. He also didn't see any fluid build up  around her heart which is a positve. The more concerning things seen were her left and right atrium (upper chambers of heart)where there is what is in common terms is  a swinging door between the two allowing blood to flow looks like it's getting tight. He said looks like the pressure is building in the left atrium (upper left) and causing that swinging door to close what looks like it could be causing blood to back flow into her lungs with every pump. This is what he saw and really want know if or how bad it is until she's born. 
The high risk ob appointment went about as good as expected. We were once again reminded how serious her condition is and chances of success from heart surgery get slimmer with many factors. Having a gentic abnormality such as turners syndrome, low birth weight, premature birth can all lower the chances of the heart surgery taking. According to the doctors and non invasive blood results are showing Aurora does seem to have Turner syndrome. The only way to be sure would be to perform a more risky test where they stick a needled through my stomach and remove amniotic fluid and have it tested. The chance of a miscarriage is 1 in 200 to 1 in 400 but doctor warned having a gentic abnormality the chances are increased. Doctor warned it may cause my water to break and have premature labor or cause an infection. Justin and I have already discussed and we can't see how the test benefits outweigh the risks so we declined. 
Now at this appointment we were sat down and the doctor discussed the findings. He did see a cystic hygroma on the back of her neck which is a gathering of fluid behind her neck, he described it as not being large but it's normally seen in Turner babies and is a cause for concern. He did make the comment as it looks like a receding cystic hygroma so by his medical opinion he thinks  it is going away or at least not growing. Aurora also has extra amniotic fluid she is swimming around in. Also noted and was clearly seen she has fluid behind her forehead and face as well as fluid behind the skin on her lower legs and her little feet are swollen. The doctor didn't seemed suprised by any of this because he stated this is all normal in Turner babies. The fluid can get worse which in most times is what causes fetal death  or it can get better all of that is out of our control but if she's born with the fluid it is just one more obstacle for doctors as their main concern right now is her heart. We were told normally these types of pregnancies don't seem to make it full term and tend to cause preclampsia and labor may be induced if life threatening for baby and mom. The heart doctor wants a scheduled c section to have the team in place ready to operate immediately by placing a balloon in that area that looks like it's getting tight (heart catheter placed in through her leg) and then within a few days perform the open heart reconstruction surgery. The high risk ob made his opinion and doesn't think the preganacy will make it to a scheduled c section she may not survive until then or she may try to come early and the teams will just have to be ready and don't he best they can. So like I said nothing we wanted to hear but all the doctors can come to the same positve conclusion we have an active daughter. Constantly moving during each ultrasound and it's clear she's a little fighter!!!! 

Now to wrap up all we know and learned from this appointment. We need to have the most ideal preganacy for her to stay in there for as long as safely possible. We need her heart to keep up with only one working pump (which right now she's doing great) we need the flow between the upper right chambers to remain open and it would be great if it would open up miraculously larger and stop what looks like blood pushing back into her lungs. We would love for her extra fluid sacs to dissappear all over and not cause any complications. Nothing the doctors said is what we want to hear and doesn't change how we feel. If anything it strengthens our faith in God to keep her strong and he will protect her. Doctors tend to lay it out there quite frankly saying most of these type cases won't make it to delivery as the body continues to try to abort naturally when there is something wrong. 
I have to trust God in this and not so much the doctors words. Yes I hear them and I know her chances but outside of their medical opinions I know how awesome our God is that we all serve and he has been with Justin and us this far and he has a plan for aurora and us. What ..why?! Who knows?  we continue to pray for her and our strength and we get confirmation that God's with us in the peace we have in ourselves knowing he's watching over us and above all else keep the faith he will see this through. As always we ask is prayers from everyone to pray we all keep the strength and faith. It's not easy and believe me set backs are common with me but luckily they are brief and I get right back on track after I pray and really give my worries right back over to God. Another thing is Justin he has been so strong through this and supportive of my ups and downs but he is my strength here and my shoulder to cry on and my best friend to unload the other half of my worries onto. I know God chose us to be her parents and we are blessed by that and I'm so grateful I have Justin a wonderful strong man who is helping me so much. Thanks to everyone in advance for prayers and support you'll never know what it means to us to have prayers pouring out for our daughter! 
Below are the links to the 2 things I'm most talking about HLHS and Turner Syndrome for those who'd like a better insight.  

http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/heartdefects/hlhs.html?mobile=nocontent


https://www.genome.gov/19519119

Baby Lovett news

So as everyone should know we are expecting our first child. Currently I am 21 weeks along in this pregancy.
At 16 weeks we took a early gender scan to reveal we are expecting a baby girl due October 24th. She was measuring perfect and we were told she had long legs measuring about a week early.
Justin and I were both thrilled and had already chosen a name for her, Aurora Rain Lovett. We chose to keep her gender a secret until our 20 week scan just to confirm she was still a girl lol. Then have a gender reveal for everyone.
Unfortunately our 20 week appointment did not give us any good news. We were asked if we had the early testing for down syndrome and we told them no we declined because either way we'd love our child and didn't want to worry. After the nurse performed all her measurements and photos the doctor came In and said she needed to take more photos because the nurse couldn't get a good look at her heart.. after a few minutes we were told aurora had fluid behind her neck and under her skin in some areas and her femur was measuring small. They said with these indicators and not being able to get a good view of the heart that something didn't seem right to them and said aurora is showing signs of gentic abnormalities and the most likely two are turners syndrome and down syndrome. The most heart breaking was being told that with turners there was a 10% chance of survival for her.
We were sent to another specialist immediately leaving the ultrasound appointment so her heart could be viewed better and determine the issue.
Meanwhile during all these viewings of laying there looking at our baby girl on the monitor it's clear to see she is alive and has full control of her limbs. She was kicking squirming and even sucking her thumb while we peeked in on her. Her heartbeat was 152 bpm.
The cardiologist finally came in took a few more up close looks at her heart and sat us down and gave us the heartbreaking news.
Aurora was diagnosed with HLSL (Hypoplastic Left Heart Sydrome). Basically when her heart was forming her left ventricle wasn't receiving enough blood so it just didn't completely form . She has her right ventricle working but that means she has one side of her heart trying to pump blood to her entire body. For now she seems to be okay but looks as if her chamber has a lot of pressure and they are worried about a valve closing and in turn will stop pumping the blood compleltely.
There is hope that if our baby girl can hold on and stay strong and make it to delivery the doctors have a temporary fix for her. They would operate on her heart 3 times by the time she is 3-4 years of age. The first operation immediately after birth.This is very scary and super dangerous for her and the success rate for these surgeries vary 70 to 90 percent. There is no permanent fix and most people who do survive require a heart transplant later in life while some do fine with there surgeries from a young age.
I don't know what God has in his plans for our little girl and our lives but I know he has a plan for sure. It's difficult to believe anything can be wrong with your baby when you see her with a strong heartbeat and moving all around. I was crying happy tears watching the monitor  seeing her move but sad to hear what her fate could be. Both doctors of course gave us the "abortion" speech and told us at this stage it's an option. However, we can't choose to end any life, if God saw fit to create this beautiful blessing then it is up to him to decide what he chooses for her. Justin nor myself will allow any doctor to take her precious life no matter how bad the odds are for her. I can't seem to grasp or understand though why she would be created to just be taken away but again that is not my call and for all I know she can be that percentage of those who survive and go on to live healthy lives. I have prayed for her in the womb since i found out we were expecting that i need God to give me the strength and everything I need to support this child while she grows inside of me and I vowed to God that she would know the Lord and we would raise her to our best abilities to have a child who loves the Lord.
Right now we are trying to cope and deal with the information as it has been given to us. Of course it's not easy on us or our families. I have prayed and cried with Justin and have had a million questions of why.. what if.. what's the future hold??.. I don't know and neither does he, everyday I'm struggling with my thoughts and emotions but I keep reminding myself and so does Justin, this is not in our control and it's out of our hands. God will get us through this. Its easy for me to give the advice to others "let go and let God" but its hard to actually do it myself during a time like this.. Hope and faith are the only things keeping us going right now but I can ask for everyone reading this please pray! Pray for strength, for our family and for little Aurora. I feel so helpless that I can't help her physically and make it all better. There are no words that will make us feel any better but we will get comfort in knowing everyone is praying and that's simply all we ask. Thank you from our family!
Tealah, Justin and Aurora ..